this feels like an end-of-year list, in which it can’t be, as we still have one and a half seasons to endure.. three more months..
however, lately, i’ve been going through my archive of playlists and songs. i’ve been hearing a few particular songs that replay memories in my head like i’m watching a long flick. i relive these moments as i hear these tracks, almost like i’m reverting into the person i used to be for those few minutes. i’m not sure if this is a universal experience or not, but i conjured up a list of songs i’ve discovered in the past 365 days that make me feel this way.
actual serious posts underway.. hopefully..
how i get myself killed - indigo de souza
december 31, 2023. life needs to change. it’s new year’s eve. i am feeling terribly lonely. stuck working 12-8s at my job, barely seeing my friends, my company consists of my cats. i am speaking with a guy who i have been trying to get into a relationship with since feburary. it’s been on and off. all he wants is to fuck me. that is the only thing i do not want of him. he does not care who i am as a person. he sends me a snapchat, he is telling me how lonely he feels too, how he is at a bar alone, depressed he will not have a new years’ kiss. we’ve been trying to make plans for weeks. he’s asking if i’m ready. he makes it clear that he does not want me emotionally. i am not a friend, i am not a companion, i am not a person. and i keep telling myself not to let myself go back into his embrace. if i go down this path, i’d be getting myself killed. emotionally fucked over. new year, same shit. i am losing my dignity. no one even knows i am slowly crawling back. i am too embarrassed.
if this is all we’ve got to work with,
then it’s all we’ve got to say
i’m loving your skin darling,
i’m loving this hot morning.
i need to be kicked, maybe fucked, maybe told i’m in the way
back at one - brian mcknight
december 31, 2023. i need change. i need it now. i am getting myself killed. instead of going to his house after he is done at the bar, i decide to go to a new year’s party. the host? a person i matched with on tinder in february. we are still friends. but they have been trying to hang out with me, get me into their circle, all year. it is too far away for me to justify. but i need change. i go. i know i need to go. my heart is telling me that this could change the situation i am in, at least give me the platonic company i need. i am in the uber there. my family has no idea i’m travelling an hour away for this. the uber driver does not speak english. this is my first uber. i am staring out at the skylights of the city i have missed. the uber and i cannot communicate, but we are headbopping to *nysync. this is a song he plays. it feels fitting of the unknown city, the unknown people i am about to meet, the memories i am about to share. even if this goes poorly, i at least have the story of going here. i can finally say i did it. little did i know that the people i’d meet that night are the reason i moved from my small town, to them.
one, you’re like a dream come true
two, just wanna be with you
three, girl, it’s plain to see
that you’re the only one for me.
clusterhug - i don’t know how but they found me
january 1, 2024. my friends from columbus lovingly visit me right after i experienced a party that has changed the trajectory of my life. at the time, i was planning to move in with one of them. i am in love with the idea of them. i admire their spontaneity and impulsivity. many adventures we have gone on.
chick-fil-a drive-thru, laughs are shared, gas station bathrooms are used. this song plays in the cold vehicle, windows are down, speakers are blasting.
i later fell in love with this song too but as they faded away from my life. we do not speak anymore. i also hold a lot of remorse for losing these pivotal figures in my life. this song is reminiscent of one of our last true memories together.
oh, we can turn around
we can burn this town to ash
as charming as we are,
we are nothing but pretty trash
fruit - the berries
january 2024. electronic night. i am mostly there socially, as it was hosted by a dear friend of mine in faraway lands and i wanted an excuse to go out.
i am awkwardly trying to get to know the ones around me, i am new to a friend group. however, the person i was largely there to see, i know i’m speaking with them for one of the last times that night.
a snowstorm then ensues, i pay for a $120 uber home. i feel slighted, i have a heavy gut-feeling that is overtaking me. this uber has no heat, my feet are numb. beautiful ride home with the snow making the sky brighter and the frost is shining in the light.
i’m home. i’m connecting the dots. figuratively and literally. i am getting over the loss of a friend that hasn’t even happened yet and i am completing a dot-by-dot book. i make a beautiful picture in the cold candlelight while trying to warm my numb feet. this is the song that plays on this emotional ten p.m night.
lay me down and take my hand
say it in a way i’ll understand
through the mist i saw chosen land
fallen men, swords in the sand
coping on unemployment - del water gap
february 17, 2024. i lose my job. i am too reckless. i call off too much. i am trying to live my life as a nineteen year old who likes to travel an hour away every day for friends i know wouldn’t make that same effort yet. i am proving my worth. two hours later? i wreck my car into a fence. bad first impression. i do not drive. i live in the middle of nowhere. i spend my days overcaffeinated and overly anxious. cooking mac and cheese with a deadpan stare. spending hours on tinder just to feel something. i am barely out of the house. i feel like i’m going mad. i need to feel. watching it’s always sunny with my dad until the sun rises again.
sunday, she puts on sky ferreira
she finishes herself first
she slept in her mascara
deadbody - miya folick
february 17, 2024. i wreck my car into a fence picking up an acquaintance for a concert. my passenger is a longtime friend of mine, she didn’t see this coming either. the acquaintance doesn’t go to the show after this experience. no one was harmed, but it did leave an emotional scar. i am still embarrassed. i should not have test my luck. my car lost it’s passenger-side window, the door handle, and there are deep scrapes all along the side. i thought i was ready to drive but i definitely was not. this song was playing in the car at the time. it makes sense, a song this intense is expected to carry some intense moments with it. but i cannot listen to this song without shuddering in shame. i had just lost my job too. i was able to remain calm, but i did not feel great.
don’t want your money for my silence
i don’t care who knows your name
don’t tell your friends that i’m a-lying
to convince them i’m insane
boyfriend - best coast
spring 2024. i just moved to the city i travelled to on new years. the risk i took that night has led to this moment. i am in love with everything around me. i am walking through the park, i am walking to work, i am going to coffee shops and vintage stores. i am talking to a guy that i strongly desire. i was sure this was unrequited, it simply felt fun to crush on someone and freak over the miniscule details, the small memories. this song would play at my first job in the town and it felt like i was meant to be feeling this way about life, i was meant to be here. little did i know that i’d be in a relationship with him not even weeks later.
one day, i’ll make him mine
and we’ll be together all the time
we’ll sit and watch the sun rise
and gaze into each others’ eyes
early mornin’ - britney spears
may 2024. i am working a job i absolutely depise. my coworkers give me daily shit, i have bruises all over my body, my legs ache. i am sour to everyone around me. i am waking up at four in the morning every day, carrying heavy boxes of meat, knowing i am not moving forward in this life. the pay doesn’t feel worth this energy. i am listening to pop-infused sweet tracks, upbeat and quick, to keep me up and moving. i have a time quota to meet! many mornings stuck in the freezer. many mornings stacking cheese. if i’m even awake at all. very close to termination, can never get enough sleep, dozed through all my alarms. frantic phone calls. where are you?
passed out on the couch, i’m yawning
just walked in and it’s early mornin’
jackie - yves tumor
june 2024. my personal tastes are changing as my life rapidly accelerates. i am wearing clothes i never imagined wearing. my confidence is going up. this song sticks to me as my new perfume sticks to my skin. i am going to a job interview, loosely the job of my dreams. at least path-wise. nothing bad can come from this life. i am indulging in luxury comforts. i am caring for myself.
when you wake up, do you think of me?
i said, hey, jackie, baby
when you rest your mind, do you think of me?
betty and dupree - tia blake
present, september 2024. i am reliving my childhood dreams. my third roommate has just moved in. he has a banjo. reminds me of who i wanted to be as a child. americana. braided ginger hair, gap tooth, overalls, flannel shirts, folk music, banjo in hand. cover songs on youtube, be a small sensation. i had reoccurring dreams of this character, who i had named star. supposedly, i am a distant relative of loretta lynn. i have bluegrass musicians on my mom’s side. of course, what i’d be doing would not quite be the star i imagined as a kid. but maybe i am meant to discover this side of music, to play this sort of music? creative inspirations.. met a girl the other day, french folk artist, who also loves tia blake and met the producer of her work. links.
lie down betty, see what tomorrow brings
may bring you sunshine,
may bring you diamond rings,
but if you lose your mind,
it won’t bring you anything..
honorable mentions:
pristine - snail mail
nearsighted - ivory court
mardy bum - arctic monkeys